It is with great sadness I must share that my beloved pet, friend, and baby boy, Sam, passed away this past Saturday afternoon. Friday night he began acting restless, then getting sick. We found out on Saturday morning he had hypothermia, an inoperable mass on his liver, and fluid in his abdomen. He became weak very quickly. We were able to take him home to hold him a few hours before we made the heart wrenching decision to put him down. I love you, Sam. We lost you too soon and will always miss you.
I have been silent for quite a while. It’s not easy to make blog posts in the midst of your darkness, and I went through quite a deep time of darkness for the first four months of this year. I hit a level of depression I never thought possible, and nothing was seeming to help. I was doing all the right things to recover from mental illness, but I kept falling backward after a step forward. In a moment of crisis, I stumbled upon a treatment that has brought slow but steady progress.
While I feel like I’m finally starting to get my life back and feeling a level of contentment, many of my personal circumstances have not changed. My dreams are still in the ground, waiting to be resurrected. I don’t have that perfect career. I don’t understand why this season has lasted so long. But, I have hope, and my heart is dreaming of the possibilities.
I think the big difference is, I’m okay with things not all happening NOW. We live in such an entitled, face past culture that demands we get what we want when we want it, and that attitude bleeds over into our relationship with God. We must be broken of this attitude, and unfortunately, that is a painful process, as the Lord will take away things that we thought were ‘ours.’ As if somehow we earned those ‘things’ and they can’t be taken away from us – what false security this is! Christ wants our security to rest on Him and His work, not on our success or hard work. Yet again, culture goes against this Kingdom reality. How do we find our way in this type-A, driven culture that has even come into the church?
I believe the answer, at least partly, is to have patience in the process. Celebrate your small wins and progress. Trust that you don’t really have to have it all now (What would you do next if you had it all now, anyway?)
So right now, I’m celebrating feeling happy and stable. And that is enough. And on the days I struggle to be patient, I will remember that God is a good leader that can be trusted with the process.
Mid-December, I finished my internship at the International House of Prayer. However, my time here is not yet finished. My internship was season of learning more about God, His Word, and how to walk by His Spirit. God really placed on my heart a desire to stay here to continue to grow and serve more. I plan to become a part IHOP staff as a missionary, which means I will continue to spend time in the worship and prayer as I contend the release of God’s plans on Earth. And, I will use my gifts to strengthen the IHOP missions base and reach the local community.
I am thrilled that God has called me to this next step. As a missionary at IHOP, I have the responsibility to raise funds to support this work. I will be going back to my home and friends Virginia Beach area to visit and share more about this assignment God has given me. I look forward to sharing more of the details with everyone when I am back.
Praise Reports: God has been such a good provider and Father to me. He has sent me so many kind friends here in KC that have become like family. I have become more convinced of God’s goodness in this season and that He is leading me to this next step!
Prayer Requests: Please pray for courage to prepare and share my heart and assignment with everyone the Lord would put in my path, and also pray for the ability to keep surrendering all the details of this transition over to God. It can be easy for me to fall into striving and fear. I want to be open to whatever He has for me and stay close to His heartbeat in this time of transition!